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As an English teacher, you would think that I would love a book study, right? Well, as a teacher taking college courses with three children, I was worried about where I would find the time to read the book! All the questions came flooding in: Why in the second semester? Why close to STAAR test prep? Why near the end of the year? I was in a doom spiral of questions, and I could feel it.

There were three ironic aspects of the book study and my reaction to it. The first being, that I returned to college because I felt as though my professional development were not what I was looking for when it came to my teaching. Every time I went to a professional development I felt as though I was learning something I had already learned. So now that I had this perfect opportunity to learn about a topic I had never even known existed in the past, I was panicking at the thought of learning something new. I know that this was really due to the fear of having to then turn around and teach a specific chapter; however, it was still something I had asked for only a few weeks prior.

Secondly, I wanted to go to more professional developments that could help me in my journey as a teacher. In my mind, professional development meant that it had to be content-based, classroom management-based, or specific to teaching. On the other hand, this book is about leading when you’re not the boss, and it is actually titled How to Lead When You’re Not in Charge: Leveraging Influence When You Lack Authority by Clay Scroggins. After being a teacher for five years, I understand that I am a role model to the students, but I have never seen myself as a leader. I always assume everyone around me knows just as much if not more than I do, so I wait until someone asks for my opinion. This

Finally, I am currently in a master’s program that is all about giving people Choice, Ownership, Voice, and Authentic Learning experiences in the learning environment. Here was the perfect opportunity for me to learn alongside my coworkers; an opportunity to see the same book from the perspectives of those who share the halls with me. This book study came at the perfect time: during my studies for my master’s. Not only had I just read Carol Dweck’s Growth Mindset and Switch: How to Change Things When Change is Hard, but I was gaining confidence in my learning journey after feeling stuck in my professional development journey. But again, I was asking for professional development that was different from what I was used to, right?

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Interestingly enough, I learned as much about myself as I did about being a leader. The book study and my master’s program started at about the same time. On top of my schedule of being a teacher and a mother, I felt my balancing act was beginning to falter. What was once so easy to me for five years that it was even monotonous was starting to turn into shaky ground.

The assignments and reading felt different from my bachelor’s degree; however, as much as I tried, I could not figure out why. When I was completing my bachelor’s program, college felt like a breeze. I knew It had only been a few weeks of school and the book study, so why was I struggling so much this time around? I felt like I needed to blame the book study itself one week and school the next week.

I spoke to a professional, and as it turned out I remember my schooling being a breeze before because I did not have three small children. My job at the time also allowed for a flexible sleep schedule, so I could ignore my work until everyone was asleep and complete my assignments from 10:00 pm to 02:00 am. During my bachelor’s, I also only had my oldest who was only a year old at the time. Now, I have a two-year-old, a three-year-old, and a seven-year-old. So once we compared let the professional know the differences, and how I survived college in the past compared to how I felt like I was drowning now, I was officially diagnosed with ADHD. Simply put before, my job’s flexibility on top of not having school-aged children allowed me to survive my bachelor’s degree.

Having to add the book study on top of reading Carol Dweck’s The Growth Mindset forced me to accept a diagnosis that I suspected since I was a child. When I wanted to avoid my homework, I would work on the book study for work; similarly, when I would get bored with the book study, I would do piles of homework. It also didn’t help that I was assigned chapter seven which meant I had time. Time is not normally my friend when it comes to assignments. Due dates: yes; due dates that are weeks away: no.

While jumping between reading about growth mindset and being a leader to myself, I noticed my doom-spiral of questions. So I looked for other books that had to do with mindset, and I found the book Switch: How to Change When Change is Hard by Chip and Dan Heath. But wait, looking for more reading material is another irony. Why would I look for more reading, if I was just complaining about having to read? I changed my mindset. I didn’t stop asking questions; however, I just changed the questions I asked. So asking the right questions. Why is college so much more difficult this time? Why do I always wait till the last minute? Why do I avoid work only to do other work? What has changed? Finally, the question that led to my diagnosis is, why does it seem like I can work with either complete silence or loud music? Once I asked the correct questions I was able to get the resources I needed.

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What started as a book study, turned into a self-reflection. The reflection had me accept that I have always had a hard time focusing. I simply learned how to make it through school in the early 2000s when ADHD was not talked about much, especially in the Hispanic community. My study habits were the same as before, completing assignments from 10:00 pm to 02:00 am when everyone else was asleep and it was quiet. I remember doing this in high school and for my bachelor’s degree. One book study was the drop that caused the cup to overflow.

Once I accepted that I could not handle everything, I spoke to a professional. They heard what was going on and asked the appropriate questions. At the age of 30, I was formally diagnosed with ADHD thanks to an unexpected book study. As a teacher who deals with IEPs daily, I could not see my struggles. The day I was going to speak to a professional I went from feeling fear that I would be told that nothing was going on, to an immense sense of relief that I finally understood my strange study habits. Growing up I felt immense boredom and disinterest with studying or school unless I was interested in a subject or book. If I was interested in a subject or book, I could stay up all night reading without feeling tired. Once my appointment was over, I felt relief that there was a reason for this and that now I could take steps to help with my study habits.

Before reading these books, The Growth Mindset and How to Lead When You’re Not in Charge, I did not know how to ask for help. I only knew how to give help. I was forced to self reflect, and it was all thanks to an unexpected book study, that forced me to change my mindset and ask the right questions.